I usually keep my blog out of personal issues. However, I have been hearing the same things from other married acquaintances. So, all my single friends, married friends in less than desired marriages, and all those in happy marriages, hear me out. There is another side to everything. While you may think it does not matter, it does. Here are some myths I think women believe about their happily married friends. I know I thought most of them at one time.
Myth #1
I've not had an easy transition into married life. In the first six months I had two of my closest friends tell me our friendship had reached its logical end. Logical end= you got married and we did not. Therefore we have nothing in common. I did not change into "Nameless Wife Drone" the moment I said "I do". I still desire friendships. I have something new in my life that does not negate the other aspects of my personality.
Myth #2
Now you have "couples" as friends. Wrong again. Just because you are married to someone does not mean you will have anything in common with the spouses of his friends. Not that I would be opposed to it, it just does not happen overnight. I am still a person with likes and dislikes separate from his. We do not come as a packaged deal. It is also rough to be the only spouse in a group of friends who came from the "outside" world. We had very few mutual friends when we got together.
Myth #3
You have a spouse who loves you, you can not be lonely.
I have a wonderful spouse that is correct. However, I am not going to go shopping for shoes with him. I will not drag him to the nail salon with me. He also has an aversion to Harry Potter movies. It's the shallow little things that makes you feel isolated and lonely. Being married or in a serious relationship does not inhibit getting your feelings hurt either. I have been "uninvited" to things because I am not single. It still stings, marriage does not turn off your feelings. I remember watching this in my mother as a kid (hope she does not mind showing up in my writing!). I know I thought this of her. I had no idea how she could feel lonely with my dad around and her lovely well-behaved children at home. (Well, we were more like destructive monsters, but that is another story.) Sometimes just a cup of coffee with a friend means the world to someone.
Myth #4
You're married/in a committed relationship, so you don't understand.
I've actually heard this line word for word. If I forgot how horrible and awkward dating is in three years time I need to be examined for dementia. My own current relationship had its low periods. I might not be there now, but I was there not too long ago. I remember the insecurity of being with someone new and the heartbreak of being dumped, cheated on, and harmed.
Myth #5
You're married, you're the one who does not have time for me.
This one might have a grain of truth, but not to this extreme. I might not have the time to make three hour phone calls over some cute guy who looked at you in Kroger anymore. There is laundry to do, dinner to cook, and homework to be completed. I still have time for the big stuff. I do not care any less.
Most who know me know my love for feminism and gender theory. I think this is the one arena that still needs a lot of work. We women are constantly in competition with one another. There is still some pressure to find someone and settle down into marriage. When one of us does it changes the power structures between us in a way that our society deems superior/inferior. We see ourselves as only 1/2 of a whole. My husband pushes me, encourages me, and helps me to grow. However, I am still a whole person without him. We are two whole people traveling life together. I believe it is time to move past looking at marital status as an indicator of success.
So to sum everything up, spend time with your married friends. Don't assume that they are not hurting and lonely even in a wonderful marriage. Also, I do not think there is anything wrong with needing friendships even when your marriage is good. If you find yourself in this same boat, know there are others like you out there! Maybe a few of us might find each other!
