Insulted for the Name of Christ

    If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. 1 Peter 4:14-16
  
   I had been working on a blog about the churches lack of stewardship when it comes to finances and its membership. That is not quite where I was finishing each time I went back and edited the piece. I kept coming across Christians and Atheists alike posting, blogging, and talking about similar topics.
     I continue to come across the idea of "persecution" that the church believes it is suffering under. Growing up I remember learning about the persecution of believers. Martyrdom is one thing. I am not going to argue against martyrs being a reality, at least not today. American persecution of believers is a completely different animal.
     It all started when I read an article a month or so ago detailing the persecution of the church in America. At first it did not bother me. It stayed in my thoughts for weeks though. The main points were that the church was being persecuted through gay marriage and losing tax exempt status. The longer I thought on this the more defined the irritation became. It was a deep root in my disbelief. Reality inside the four ivory walls of the church is far different than reality everywhere else. It bothers me that children are raised in a subset of beliefs that teaches them that everyone on the outside is "bad" and persecuting those they love- sounds a bit like propaganda. 
     When I was a Christian (or at least still holding the title) I only experienced something I believe was persecution once. I went to a job interview and the administrator began grilling me on homeschooling and Bible college. I calmly stated that these questions had no place in an interview- and guess what- I got a call a week later for the position. I firmly believe it is because the law is still on the side of religious freedom.
     I slowly began to identify as non-religious in the past year. I work in a field that most fundamentalist Christians believe to be the bastion of persecution- public education. When I began identifying as atheist- in a quiet, non-combative way- I began to notice snickers and comments. My morality and ethics were commented on despite a lack of indiscretion. Out of a staff of about thirty only one or two others are not regular church goers, and most of those who attend church are of low church fundamentalist denominations. I do not think I am persecuted in this setting, I am merely showing the solidarity of Christianity in many public arenas. Just from my own experience, we are looking at a ratio of 30:2 in one of the most "godless" places in America.
     Peter is saying in the above scriptures not to bring the persecution onto yourselves. It is not godly persecution in that case. When you bring it onto yourself, it is  called consequences not suffering for Christ. Some years back while spending my first year in Christian academia at a small Kentucky bible college, the president of the seminary made a very public comment about gay persons possibly being mutations. He had no scientific backing and even less philosophical backing. The comment did not need to be said at all. It especially did not need to be said publicly. He stood behind what he said even after protests broke out on campus. The safety of roughly 1,000 students was at stake, and still, he stood behind his words. Like wildfire, everyone started claiming persecution in the name of Christ. No, some moron called a group of people mutants. No one was protesting the anti-gay rhetoric that was common in the school. They were protesting one statement that was asinine. 
     It is not persecution when you spitefully harm others and they respond out of pain. I saw this time and again while I was growing up. If you have Jesus in the right way you hold the trump card. Anyone who gets in your way can be vilified as a persecutor of Christ.  This brings me back to the original issue that put this on my mind- tax exempt status for churches. This is indicative of the sense of entitlement felt by many in the church. If you want to take up money (that primarily goes back into the church) and worship in your own way, that is fine. Why do you deserve a tax break? What part of "render unto Caesar" said "except for your cushy tax exempt status." Could it be that churches are experiencing shrinkage and the extra fees might mean fewer banquets and conventions? How is this persecution? I am sure the martyrs of the early church would roll in their graves to hear taxes being likened to the systematic torture of early believers. 
    Persecution is not a mere disagreement with someone either. Others being able to marry the person of their choosing is not persecution. Women being able to receive contraceptives is not persecution either. 

    I hope that one day the persecuted Christians have a right to worship freely, that they see the day when a Christian is elected president, that they can cruelly protest funerals if they choose, that they can have their own museum of science, that they can get tax breaks, that their religious preference is engraved on the national currency, and that they can define family and marriage and family for everyone for decades- maybe then they will know what it means to be free from persecution. 
   

The First Goodbye

      A lingering remnant of holding on to my past faith became apparent to me this morning. After arguing with my husband over dirty laundry, I realized I am still trying to be Suzy Homemaker meets Betty Crocker. It was only an argument because I felt guilty for one specific item being in the washing machine. His lunch was packed, the house is clean, but one pair of pants ruined my morning. How could I leave the one thing he needed out of the dryer?
     I then went on to see countless blogs on my facebook wall about "the glories of motherhood," "secrets to a clean home," "the oh so perfect budget," and the list went on. If that is your cup of tea then great. You are a far better woman than I, lets move on. By noon today, sitting in my pajamas doing research for a writing project I felt like a grime spot one of my more womanly friends clean with their miracle cleaners.
     For more than twenty three years my life consisted of church three times a week, multiple positions in the church, Christian rock concerts, and good ol' Bible. About four years ago I went off to my second of two bible colleges. Sitting in a class that was designed to counter arguments against Christianity under the cloak of "Intro to Philosophy" small doubts began to blossom. Then a student organization falsified a chapel meeting where they detailed events concerning a female Muslim who had supposedly been murdered by her family after abducting her from Dayton, OH. "We are at war with Eastasia and always have been" started becoming normal in this Christian circle. This was my second attempt at Christian academia and it was a failure.
    After a traumatic event in my life I thought I might have never been "saved" and gave it a second try. I wanted to wash my soul of what happened since my body was forever ruined. The guilt did not subside. I was dirty. Maybe so dirty God refused to enter in. Maybe God had walked away a long time ago. If he inhabited those around me, surely he did hate me.
    Slowly, my faith evaporated. The songs were comforting. I loved my Sunday school class dearly. Each time I discussed a lack of faith at home I was guilted right back in. My love for family equated love for God. If I did not love God I did not love them.
   Long story very short, this past spring I was grasping for something to believe in. I studied Wicca and old religions. They were empty and hollow as well. Then I saw the ugliness that breeds in fundamental Christianity. Dirty, pagan, whores deserve to be treated one way, good girls another. It was the last straw. I had been fighting to keep a small hold on my faith. The things that were good and respectable showed themselves as fleeting mists. If you have not already guessed, I am an atheist. Not a spur of the moment hipster atheist either. It is not cool. It is not chic. I feel like Nietzsche's mad man looking for God. Growing up a Christian I always thought atheist were smug, rude, and self assured. It is not so. Maybe eventually it comes to that, but at first it is heart wrenching. 
    
     Religion was part of the white picket fence dream I had. Even when I scrapped that plan knowing I wanted a career, I held on to a superficial view of my body and my role inside the home. When push came to shove in the closest relationship I've ever had, I still thought I had to put on the "wife show." 
    When I am at home, I do "wife stuff." I rarely ask for help, I rarely want help. If he steps in I am upset that I did not act like "wife drone 1" well enough.  So the first piece of my "deprogramming" needs to be the expectations I put on myself for so long. Yes, I will have clean clothes and so will my husband. I love him and like to do things for him. I will, however, stop allowing guilt to pull me away from my writing because there are dishes to do or dinners to cook. I will stop crying over unfinished chores and insinuations about my marriage based on my cooking and cleaning. My sole purpose in life is not the order of my home or even the happiness of my husband. If I fail at those things I am not a failure. 
     Dirty and clean are such polarities in Christianity. They ultimately mean, as do most polarities, bad and good. Christ makes a dirty heart clean like Ajax cleans the bathroom. The religion is based on cleanliness metaphor. As a woman, dirty is also tied to our sexuality, our homemaking skills, and our ambitions. I could always be more organized to be more productive in the things I enjoy- but that is the extent of my homemaking desire. I am an atheist, I am not a prude, and I am untidy, but I am not dirty and I will not buy into that title any longer. To my faith that once was, this is our first goodbye.