This past summer has taught me a lot about myself. It all came into sync this past week while on vacation to Disney World though. It is funny how and when things click in our small, limited minds. I had not been to Disney since the fall of my senior year. From that point on my life was about to face many challenges and changes.
While on vacation I received a call that I would be moving backward in my career development. I am receiving a pay cut and demotion. While it is not the job I intended to remain in forever, I was planning on staying in it long enough to finish grad school. I planned on developing classes I began teaching last year and furthering the relationships with my students.
It was a small thing in the grand scheme of things. It was like a punch in the gut though on so many levels. It called into question my abilities. Working with children is what I want to do with my life. I began questioning my abilities in every other aspect of my life as well. Am I a sub par life partner? Will I be a bad mother? Why am I still not the person I want to see in the mirror? Why am I still languishing in undergrad?
Being in a place I had not been in for many years caused me to look back on where I have been for nearly a decade. My first reaction was honestly one of despair. I felt as if I have wasted my adult life up to this point. I only saw my dead end job, my perceived failures, and I felt trapped in my life. I saw all of my mistakes in glaring clarity.
I am not going to say that those thoughts are not still sitting squarely in the middle of my chest. I still feel random fits of panic and the overpowering desire to pack up and disappear. It is easing up though. Being in a place I loved as a child many years later I was also able to look back and see everything I have overcome.
In eight years I have become a drastically different person. Even being there with someone I love dearly and have known for years made me remember where I have been and what I have done that was right for me even more.
I have solidified my religious beliefs (or lack of) in these past years. It would have been easier to continue mouthing my allegiance somewhere it did not lie. I also broke ties that were contingent upon similar beliefs. I had the guts to walk away from unhealthy relationships and refuse to be walked on and used.
I have weathered far worse than a job change. Abuse has not broken me. Being victimized has not sullied me. I can stand up in spite of these things.
This is what I needed to push me into some changes. It is time to start making long term decisions. It is time to grow up and stop being pushed wherever life takes me. Other than marriage, I have become very against commitment. One of my first reactions to my insecurities and fears was to escape. While I certainly do not plan on having life all mapped out, I plan on buckling down and taking control back in my life in all areas. Am I going to mess up? Sure I am. Am I going to want to give up and take the easy rout where everyone pushes me around? Of course. In the coming weeks and months though I need to discover for myself how I want to be treated and how that will affect my life. Even now, having an idea of when things have crossed a line and are no longer ok is a freeing thing.
I also had to look at why I was in my past position in the first place which led me to realize why it shook me so hard. I felt that I had to take that position and do it well to prove something to myself. I also changed to the field of education for the same reason. I felt like my insecurities would be satisfied if I could pull off this job as well as someone else. There is no satisfaction in living someone else's life. I will never be them.
My insecurities are still strangling me, but I feel like I can fend them off and win the battle against them. I recognize that much of the powerlessness I have been fighting against is my own fault. I never allowed myself to establish a boundary for how much I would take. I automatically have accepted that if someone does something to me I deserve it and have no right to stand up against it.
That is where I am. I wanted to write on so many other things, but they just wouldn't develop into anything with everything that is on my mind, I guess it is just time to grow up and get a real job.
