I usually keep my blog out of personal issues. However, I have been hearing the same things from other married acquaintances. So, all my single friends, married friends in less than desired marriages, and all those in happy marriages, hear me out. There is another side to everything. While you may think it does not matter, it does. Here are some myths I think women believe about their happily married friends. I know I thought most of them at one time.
Myth #1
I've not had an easy transition into married life. In the first six months I had two of my closest friends tell me our friendship had reached its logical end. Logical end= you got married and we did not. Therefore we have nothing in common. I did not change into "Nameless Wife Drone" the moment I said "I do". I still desire friendships. I have something new in my life that does not negate the other aspects of my personality.
Myth #2
Now you have "couples" as friends. Wrong again. Just because you are married to someone does not mean you will have anything in common with the spouses of his friends. Not that I would be opposed to it, it just does not happen overnight. I am still a person with likes and dislikes separate from his. We do not come as a packaged deal. It is also rough to be the only spouse in a group of friends who came from the "outside" world. We had very few mutual friends when we got together.
Myth #3
You have a spouse who loves you, you can not be lonely.
I have a wonderful spouse that is correct. However, I am not going to go shopping for shoes with him. I will not drag him to the nail salon with me. He also has an aversion to Harry Potter movies. It's the shallow little things that makes you feel isolated and lonely. Being married or in a serious relationship does not inhibit getting your feelings hurt either. I have been "uninvited" to things because I am not single. It still stings, marriage does not turn off your feelings. I remember watching this in my mother as a kid (hope she does not mind showing up in my writing!). I know I thought this of her. I had no idea how she could feel lonely with my dad around and her lovely well-behaved children at home. (Well, we were more like destructive monsters, but that is another story.) Sometimes just a cup of coffee with a friend means the world to someone.
Myth #4
You're married/in a committed relationship, so you don't understand.
I've actually heard this line word for word. If I forgot how horrible and awkward dating is in three years time I need to be examined for dementia. My own current relationship had its low periods. I might not be there now, but I was there not too long ago. I remember the insecurity of being with someone new and the heartbreak of being dumped, cheated on, and harmed.
Myth #5
You're married, you're the one who does not have time for me.
This one might have a grain of truth, but not to this extreme. I might not have the time to make three hour phone calls over some cute guy who looked at you in Kroger anymore. There is laundry to do, dinner to cook, and homework to be completed. I still have time for the big stuff. I do not care any less.
Most who know me know my love for feminism and gender theory. I think this is the one arena that still needs a lot of work. We women are constantly in competition with one another. There is still some pressure to find someone and settle down into marriage. When one of us does it changes the power structures between us in a way that our society deems superior/inferior. We see ourselves as only 1/2 of a whole. My husband pushes me, encourages me, and helps me to grow. However, I am still a whole person without him. We are two whole people traveling life together. I believe it is time to move past looking at marital status as an indicator of success.
So to sum everything up, spend time with your married friends. Don't assume that they are not hurting and lonely even in a wonderful marriage. Also, I do not think there is anything wrong with needing friendships even when your marriage is good. If you find yourself in this same boat, know there are others like you out there! Maybe a few of us might find each other!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Monday, December 3, 2012
The Constitution, Obama, and Tommy Chong
Since the election went south for a particular party, we've heard criticism of President Obama over a statement over the fallibility of the Constitution. I've heard comments ranging from misguided sarcasm to gullible nonsense. Here is why I believe he is, in fact, in the right to view the constitution as fallible and flawed.
First, we have multiple amendments that have changed the original document. Amendments also change or nullify each other. Now, I can here my skeptics now. "Those are AMENDMENTS they are not part of the original." Our greatest freedoms come from the amendments. Freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and the prohibition of illegal search and seizure. Despite the gravity of these amendments, that fact that time has shown the need for more amendments to be added and the need for amendments that nullify other amendments proves that the American people themselves do not truly believe that the constitution is perfect.
Second, the nature of portions of the Constitution shows that our society evolves. We periodically decide that certain aspects do not align with our view of human rights. Article 1 Section 2 Paragraph 3 states that those bound to service only count as 3/5 of a person. Flaw. The Constitution is not flawless. We count everyone has whole people. This document is not sacred or perfect. It is ethnocentric of us to equate the constitution into terms used for the Christian's holy scriptures- infallible.
Third, many conservatives like to point out their right to bear arms. This is the hot button Obama is looking at. We've already established that we have seen cases when we learn new things, or change out views. We then evolve our constitution to match. When Obama challenges the conservative view on the right to bear arms, a sea of glorious outrage ensues. However, when people like Tommy Chong are faced with jail time because of illegal search and seizure, violations of his privacy, and entrapment, we hardly hear a soft whimper in the night. Conservative also cry out when the 10th Amendment (limitations on Federal power) is violated. States rights is a powerful aspect of the conservative party. I am personally for states rights to some degree. However, the same people will push for Federal intervention when a state votes in favor for the legalization of marijuana or gay marriage. It's all the same cookie jar folks, either the hand stays out or that hand is in wiggling around on all the cookies.
So, in short, the Constitution has its flaws. Also, the application of it has always been a hot sweaty mess we'll forever engage in. I would prefer to live in a nation that values debate and entertains the possibility that the ol' powdered wigs were short of gods.
First, we have multiple amendments that have changed the original document. Amendments also change or nullify each other. Now, I can here my skeptics now. "Those are AMENDMENTS they are not part of the original." Our greatest freedoms come from the amendments. Freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and the prohibition of illegal search and seizure. Despite the gravity of these amendments, that fact that time has shown the need for more amendments to be added and the need for amendments that nullify other amendments proves that the American people themselves do not truly believe that the constitution is perfect.
Second, the nature of portions of the Constitution shows that our society evolves. We periodically decide that certain aspects do not align with our view of human rights. Article 1 Section 2 Paragraph 3 states that those bound to service only count as 3/5 of a person. Flaw. The Constitution is not flawless. We count everyone has whole people. This document is not sacred or perfect. It is ethnocentric of us to equate the constitution into terms used for the Christian's holy scriptures- infallible.
Third, many conservatives like to point out their right to bear arms. This is the hot button Obama is looking at. We've already established that we have seen cases when we learn new things, or change out views. We then evolve our constitution to match. When Obama challenges the conservative view on the right to bear arms, a sea of glorious outrage ensues. However, when people like Tommy Chong are faced with jail time because of illegal search and seizure, violations of his privacy, and entrapment, we hardly hear a soft whimper in the night. Conservative also cry out when the 10th Amendment (limitations on Federal power) is violated. States rights is a powerful aspect of the conservative party. I am personally for states rights to some degree. However, the same people will push for Federal intervention when a state votes in favor for the legalization of marijuana or gay marriage. It's all the same cookie jar folks, either the hand stays out or that hand is in wiggling around on all the cookies.
So, in short, the Constitution has its flaws. Also, the application of it has always been a hot sweaty mess we'll forever engage in. I would prefer to live in a nation that values debate and entertains the possibility that the ol' powdered wigs were short of gods.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Chick-fil-a Monster vs. White Only Pool
While the Chick-fil-a argument is turning everyone against each other, there are other, far more egregious, violations to human rights being committed. Somehow though, everyone wants to jump on the Chick-fil-a band wagon. It's easy to go buy a tasty fried chicken sandwich, post the photo proudly, and say you are politically active. It is even easier to take the opposite stance. You can simply abstain from spending your money there, post snarky photo's on Facebook and your hip and aware.
The Chick-fil-a debate has all but obscured anything else that is going on now. I am not saying to stop caring about it, I am simply saying that it has gone too far, and has snowballed into more of a social thing than a political/philosophical issue.
During my time as a student, I have heard countless times, "Why do we have to take diversity courses? It's 2012!" The other popular statement, and my favorite is, "Racism is over. Sexism is over. I don't need to waste three credit hours on this." Here's why we have to take diversity courses still, a "White Only" pool sign in Cincinnati, OH. We've heard little about this since late last year. The court proceedings began before the Ohio Civil Rights Commission administrative judge this Friday. For those just joining this issue, it goes something like this: a teenage African-American girl went to the pool one day to find a "white only" sign. No, this is not from the year 1960, it happened last year. The landlord who posted the sign tried to appeal this issue on the grounds that it was not the color of the skin that bothered her it was the hair products the girl used. She stated that it clouded the pool water. The first asinine aspect of this argument is that you could probably dump and entire jar of hair product in a pool and see little effect. It is a pool, not a bathtub. Second, "whites only" would hardly fix the issue if there was one. Anyone who knows me for example, knows that I have to apply an oily product to my hair everyday before straightening it. I also apply oil to my skin everyday. I am as white as it gets. Thirdly, if there was an issue, requiring everyone to shower before entering the pool (an extremely common requirement for public pools) would have fixed the entire problem and would not have singled out anyone. How did someone think a "white only" sign was acceptable? It takes a great disrespect for the rights of others to behave in such a manner.
While researching to write this post, I was further sickened by the number of "whites only" resources on the internet. Don't believe me? Go to Google, type "whites only" and a long list of suggestions pops up. "White only dating", "white only schools", "whites only.net" to name a few.
So while everyone is so proud of themselves for eating (or not eating) a chicken sandwich, this is what is going on in our back yard.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Adventures In Weight Loss
Almost 2 weeks down and things are still going swimmingly. I have joined up with two other ladies and the support is making all the difference. It makes it much harder to roll over and go back to sleep when I need to be jogging when I know I have two ladies who are expecting me to at least make an attempt.
Other than the support I've had, I have found two websites that are very helpful. The first is www.livestrong.com. The "MyPlate" has been the best part of the website. It tracks how many calories you need everyday for your weight loss goals to come about. It tracks your caloric intake, water intake, and activity. It takes a few minutes to do each day but how many of us spend the same amount of time on facebook? The second site I love right now is www.gmap-pedometer.com. It tracks how much you walk/run based on the map of your city. A few clicks and you know the exact distance you travelled.
Something I have been pondering (thanks to some reading sent my way by Olivia Kurcsak) is whether or not I am doing this to be "thin" or strong. For years my weight loss and fitness goals have revolved around attractiveness. For the first time I think I have finally realized what it means to be doing this for myself. My goals are more about making my body strong and able to do things like 5k's. I am always going to have insecurities about my appearance, so making that my goal would only set me up for future frustration and failure. However, if my goals are to make my body stronger I will be more able to succeed. Also, with the focus off of my appearance it is easier to overlook the extra weight and things I do not like about my body.
Lastly, I do not think I (or any woman in my family) can do anything without adventures. The biggest one of the past few weeks...drum roll...having a HUGE German Shepherd come after me and my little dog Penny.I decided to take her on a nice long walk to the park for us both to get some fresh air and exercise. We were minding our own business when I see a very large dog up ahead. I cross the street and avoid it. It decides to crouch down and- while staring us down- crosses the street ever-so-slowly. The owner just stands there watching. When it gets about five feet away from us and begins growling and nipping at the air I start screaming at the owner. She laughs, apologizes, and says the "dog doesn't usually do that!" The dog keeps coming at us. I raise a foot to kick it away. Just instinct I guess, I don't think I was any match for the gigantic dog. THEN the owner starts yelling for her dog.
That's the update on my hopes and dreams of running a 5k. Looking forward to a morning of jogging and peanut butter oatmeal (more to come on that later!).
Other than the support I've had, I have found two websites that are very helpful. The first is www.livestrong.com. The "MyPlate" has been the best part of the website. It tracks how many calories you need everyday for your weight loss goals to come about. It tracks your caloric intake, water intake, and activity. It takes a few minutes to do each day but how many of us spend the same amount of time on facebook? The second site I love right now is www.gmap-pedometer.com. It tracks how much you walk/run based on the map of your city. A few clicks and you know the exact distance you travelled.
Something I have been pondering (thanks to some reading sent my way by Olivia Kurcsak) is whether or not I am doing this to be "thin" or strong. For years my weight loss and fitness goals have revolved around attractiveness. For the first time I think I have finally realized what it means to be doing this for myself. My goals are more about making my body strong and able to do things like 5k's. I am always going to have insecurities about my appearance, so making that my goal would only set me up for future frustration and failure. However, if my goals are to make my body stronger I will be more able to succeed. Also, with the focus off of my appearance it is easier to overlook the extra weight and things I do not like about my body.
Lastly, I do not think I (or any woman in my family) can do anything without adventures. The biggest one of the past few weeks...drum roll...having a HUGE German Shepherd come after me and my little dog Penny.I decided to take her on a nice long walk to the park for us both to get some fresh air and exercise. We were minding our own business when I see a very large dog up ahead. I cross the street and avoid it. It decides to crouch down and- while staring us down- crosses the street ever-so-slowly. The owner just stands there watching. When it gets about five feet away from us and begins growling and nipping at the air I start screaming at the owner. She laughs, apologizes, and says the "dog doesn't usually do that!" The dog keeps coming at us. I raise a foot to kick it away. Just instinct I guess, I don't think I was any match for the gigantic dog. THEN the owner starts yelling for her dog.
That's the update on my hopes and dreams of running a 5k. Looking forward to a morning of jogging and peanut butter oatmeal (more to come on that later!).
Monday, July 9, 2012
Here goes nothin'!
My blog is usually far from personal, but hey, it's MY blog so occasionally it can be about me and where I am at. It's also a bit of accountability to post my goals so publicly. So without further ado, here it goes.
1. It is way past time for me to be the grown up owner of a Bachelors degree. Then go on to get a Masters. I've always been a nerd. My childhood fantasy career involved sitting at a desk with lots of books. Then in college I was introduced to research databases. I looked something like a kid in a candy shop. Total nerd, I know. My passion has always been in knowledge, and I lost it somewhere along the way. I am fairly certain that I am going to pursue an MSW when I finish my undergrad degree. After working at a school for a year I realized that I have little desire to be "brought into the fold" of licensed teaching. It's cool if that's for you, it's a noble profession, just not for me.
2. Weight loss. Funny it would show up on a list of goals. Of course, I am always one for originality. I will be the first to say it is time for me to take it seriously. Not to look good. I need to feel good. It's hard to do that with an extra seventy pounds. Yes I said seventy. The big 7-0. I plan on blogging that journey a bit here and there.
On that note, I would also like to be 5k ready in a year. I do not want to walk a 5k in a year I want to run it. I can see those who took high school PE classes with me. They are sitting at the computer screen laughing and reminiscing about the time I fell trying to hit a tennis ball, or the time sustained a concussion running laps, or the time I dropped out of PE after one day of volleyball, or the time I "jogged" a 22 min mile. Anyone who wants to jump in and encourage/challenge me is welcome to.
3. My third, and most important goal is to be more positive. If I don't like something I should try to fix it rather than talk it to death. I realized that a lot of my beef with my life lately has been working for $8/hour and how I feel about my body and how my body feels. I had to look in the mirror and say, "That's your fault honey!" Without my degree I will be making $8/hour forever, and it's those yummy potato chips that got my body into the shape it's in. I had to own up to find the motivation to change things.
1. It is way past time for me to be the grown up owner of a Bachelors degree. Then go on to get a Masters. I've always been a nerd. My childhood fantasy career involved sitting at a desk with lots of books. Then in college I was introduced to research databases. I looked something like a kid in a candy shop. Total nerd, I know. My passion has always been in knowledge, and I lost it somewhere along the way. I am fairly certain that I am going to pursue an MSW when I finish my undergrad degree. After working at a school for a year I realized that I have little desire to be "brought into the fold" of licensed teaching. It's cool if that's for you, it's a noble profession, just not for me.
2. Weight loss. Funny it would show up on a list of goals. Of course, I am always one for originality. I will be the first to say it is time for me to take it seriously. Not to look good. I need to feel good. It's hard to do that with an extra seventy pounds. Yes I said seventy. The big 7-0. I plan on blogging that journey a bit here and there.
On that note, I would also like to be 5k ready in a year. I do not want to walk a 5k in a year I want to run it. I can see those who took high school PE classes with me. They are sitting at the computer screen laughing and reminiscing about the time I fell trying to hit a tennis ball, or the time sustained a concussion running laps, or the time I dropped out of PE after one day of volleyball, or the time I "jogged" a 22 min mile. Anyone who wants to jump in and encourage/challenge me is welcome to.
3. My third, and most important goal is to be more positive. If I don't like something I should try to fix it rather than talk it to death. I realized that a lot of my beef with my life lately has been working for $8/hour and how I feel about my body and how my body feels. I had to look in the mirror and say, "That's your fault honey!" Without my degree I will be making $8/hour forever, and it's those yummy potato chips that got my body into the shape it's in. I had to own up to find the motivation to change things.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Gooey Gingerbread Cookies
Preheat oven to 350. Mix sugar and softened (not melted!) butter. Mix other wet ingredients, soda, and spices. Mix in flour a small amout at a time. Chill in freezer 15 min. Roll dough into 1in. balls. Roll in sugar. Bake 7-10min. (I usually try for about 8....less if you like them a bit undercooked.) Enjoy!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Thin Mint Brownies...
For those times when Girl Scout Cookies aren't in season, or your just having a craving for mint and chocolate! Made the recipe myself after tweeking an online brownie recipe. For fudgy brownies don't use a mixer on the batter, mix by hand. Bake 350 until fork comes out clean 2in. from side. Frost while warm.
1/2 cup coconut oil (or butter)
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
4 tablespoons water
3 tablespoons butter, softened
3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tablespoon agave nectar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Few drops food grade peppermint oil to taste (I do mean a few DROPS!)
1 cup powdered sugar
Icing
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